How have you honored your dearly departed loved ones on anniversaries, birthdays, or other significant dates?

Last Saturday, June 12th, was the anniversary of the last time I saw Sean; last Sunday was the anniversary of his death. Today, Sunday, June 20, 2021, is Sean’s birthday. He would have been 32.

I’ve been fumbling through trying to navigate these past few weeks, trying to figure out what I should do, how I should honor him. Like, there’s no proper protocol or guide for that. Every relationship is different; for best results, you have to figure it out on your own.

The other night I finally figured it out for us without even initially thinking about it. It all happened while I was taking an impromptu walk late at night as I sometimes do. If you know me pretty well, you know that I can’t resist picking flowers. I love flowers so much in general. If you know of Brookside Gardens, Sean and I were going to get married in their gorgeous botanical garden. Sean used to buy me flowers often, but let me tell you about the first time giving flowers was brought into our relationship.

When I picked my first flower Thursday night, I just picked it with intention of putting in in a vase on my front hall piece. it immediately brought me back to a good memory – one from within our first two weeks of us dating in early 2014. When Sean and I first started dating, we were living in the same neighborhood. One night, late at night, I was going for another one of my impromptu night walks. I started picking flowers like I always do, hah. I went around the neighborhood picking them here and there and an idea came to mind. I went around the whole neighborhood collecting all the pretty flowers in good shape I could possibly find. I then walked over to Sean’s house and arranged them all on his car as best I could for him to come out to in the morning when he had to leave for work, sometime around 5 or 6 am. Needless to say it was quite a confusing and amusing surprise for him. =)

So, Thursday night when I was taking my walk, after that first flower and spark of that memory, I started collecting the flowers in that same manner. I had come up with the idea that I would make Sean a birthday bouquet.

Once done collecting, I walked across the street, up the stairs with beautiful string lights leading to the then deserted shopping center. I always liked walking around there holding hands with Sean when we’d go there late at night (or really anywhere at anytime; what I’d give to hold that hand again.) One thing we loved, and I still love, about that shopping center is through all hours there’s always music softly playing through the speakers. Sometimes when we’d go there at night, whether it’d be to go to the grocery store when it was still 24 hours, to play Pokémon Go, or for whatever reason we happened to venture there, we’d often sing or dance to that music. But the other night, I walked over there, sat down at a table with intention and purpose and began arranging the flowers.

In the pictures you can see what the final outcome of my mini adventure that night. I know Sean would like this bouquet, or I hope he does if there is a soul that carries on. I hope you, the reader, do find them pretty too.

But yeah, that’s my gift to Sean on his birthday this year. I miss you so much babe. I love you forever. Happy heavenly birthday.

xoxo forever yours.

P. S. I went to press some of the flowers and in the cabinet where I keep my book for that, these earrings that belonged to my Yia Yia were right there. This just reminded me of another crazy sign from the other day involving both of them which I’ve been meaning to write about.

P.P.S The amazing picture of Sean I’ll forever cherish was done by our friend, Josie. You can check out more of her art here.

LAST THING: If you feel so inclined, do share what have you done in honor of your beloved – I’d love to read if you’d love to share. 💙 [Update: lots of people in my grief groups shared their beautiful ways they honor their loved ones, which evoked some feelings in me. I could feel each individual’s love that shone thrit their heartache and pain.]