October 9, 2020 Facebook Post
How many people here are honest and open about what they are going through? Do you include your mental health? I know that’s pretty taboo, but I do and it works out.
This post I originally made on Facebook on October 9, 2020 is what got me started with being open, honest, and vulnerable with everything I feel, and man, has it been worth it! I originally posted this early in the morning expectjng to take it down quickly, but within half an hour, the response it received between likes, comments, messages, new friends, and rekindled friendships was incredible, including many people telling me not to take it down.
An Open Letter
I just wanted to share something I’ve been coming to terms with lately. I know this is long, but I really hope you read it, whoever you are.
So you probably know I went through and am still going through something so absolutely traumatizing and tragic recently. I have never had to deal with so much pain and I’ve dealt with my fair share of pain in my life. I lost my soulmate and absolute best friend I have ever had, Sean William Michael. I do not understand what happened even though I basically watched it happen. I have bad PTSD about what happened, while I already suffer from bipolar disorder II as well as major anxiety. We had just started planning our wedding after talking about getting married for years, but instead of me inviting you to a wedding, I am unfortunately posting this. I am suffering immensely and having a really hard time lately. Despite that though, I am doing really well. I am processing it rather than avoiding it and tackling things as they come up, doing everything I should be doing, started a new great job this week, started seeing an amazing therapist with whom I share as much as I possibly can during our weekly sessions, I’ve been giving meditation another fair shot, after a rocky start this summer I have decided to stop drinking in order to deal with this, I am working on my health overall, as well as a million other things to benefit me, and I am working on myself over all, developing a sense of self worth and knowledge that I deserve to be able to take up space and share what is going on with me.
That being said though, I am having to learn that some people just cannot be there for me. But that’s completely okay, it’s cool, I get it. It’s a lot to deal with. People I’ve known for a long time, who said they’ll be there for me, and who I considered really good friends, are ignoring me either by not reaching out or even not responding to me, but I’m not mad at all. While I have decided to not limit myself and filter what I have to say, it’s not fair of me to expect so much from you if you find it to be too much, but I don’t deserve the lack of response when I tell you what’s going on, especially when I am being there for people I’ve just recently met, despite everything I have going on in my life. It makes complete sense as to why someone would feel the need to remove themselves, though. While I would love to talk to you, you don’t have to deal with me if it’s too much for you. Just please let me know that, I’m begging you for that courtesy. I’d also appreciate it if you don’t ask me how I’m doing if you don’t want to hear the answer. If you do though and change your mind, please let me know that and don’t just not respond. I promise I understand and I’ll leave you alone. I have other people with whom I can talk. If you want to still engage in more lighthearted conversations with me, let me know that too! Regardless, I still love you greatly though and if you want to reconnect down the line, which I hope you will, I’ll be there. 🖤
On the positive flip side, there are people whom I did not consider myself as close with or have just recently met who have really stepped up. It’s surprising, refreshing, and very much appreciated. I guess every cloud has a silver lining. If you feel like you are one of those people, you are, and I just wanted to let you know I value what our friendship has become.
I love you all very much and I know I’ll get through this even though it’s so, SO fucking hard, I couldn’t imagine anything worse, and will take a long time and a lot of hard work.